"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it."

So there is a lot going on in my head these days and its making me a little bit insane today.

I cant get the end of OTZMA off of my mind.  This year has been so amazing for me and I don't want it to end.  Plus, as anyone who talks to me regularly knows, I am having a hard time with the idea of turning 26.  I am not ready to be 26... I thought you were supposed to have a quarter life crisis (although lets be honest, I'm not going to make it too 100 at the rate I am going) :P at the age of 25.   Like everything else in my life, I'm just running a little bit behind schedule.  :D

Looking forward:

I had written previously about not being sure what to do next year and I have come to a decision that I am not entirely okay with.  I keep reminding myself of the positives and how it is a good decision... and it IS a good decision.  But its not what I want.  It's what I need in some ways (I suppose I need a degree even though I am far smarter than some people who have earned their degrees already...) but in other ways it doesn't fit all my needs.

For the first time in my life I feel like an independent person here.  I feel like I am getting a real taste of life post college.  For years I have been in limbo.  Working, going to school, sometimes living at home, sometimes living on my own... but never really feeling what life might be like one day.  Here, I am experiencing it.  I wake up every day and I come to work.  I chit chat with my coworkers around the water cooler (not really, but ya know what I mean...)  I take care of my grocery shopping, I take care of my laundry... whatever all the other things are that makes one really an adult.  I have my own group of friends and I am constantly meeting new people.  I like it.  I don't want to go back to limbo and be back in school in the U.S.  Living at home again with my parents is not something that I pictured in the grand scheme of things... but on the bright side someone else will be doing my laundry for the year, grocery shopping for me and making dinner for me at least on the occasion.  Plus I will be able to spend time with my family and my friends, who are so important to me.  (I think that some of them don't realize how important they are and they feel like I want to leave them because I want to make Aliyah.  That is not the case.  I just know that our love is strong enough that no matter where I am, I have their support and I know that they will always be there for me and I for them.)


My plan as of right now is a good one for me, even if I am not 100% satisfied with it.  I am planning on flying home June 26th and spending about a week and a half at home before returning to Israel.  I will be working with MetroWest this summer at a summer camp in the Ukraine.  On the 17th of July I start my weeklong orientation before heading off to the Ukraine for two weeks.  I couldn't be more excited about that adventure (although there have been a lot of jokes about me continuing to work at unpaid jobs! Guess I just don't like making money!)  When I am done in the Ukraine I want to spend a week or two traveling Europe by myself.  I have never done anything like that before and if I don't do it now I don't know that I will get another chance.  I am going to pick a spot on the map, fly there and let the adventurer in me take me where I want to go.  Then, when I am done with my summer adventure I will be returning to MD for a year to complete my degree.

Hopefully by this time next year I will be a college graduate.  Once I complete my degree I will be beginning the process of Aliyah.  I am hoping to attend Ulpan Etzion in Jerusalem.  I have heard it is a great ulpan program.  It is specifically for Olim Chadashim between the ages of 22-35 who have graduated college.  It starts in July so it fits into my schedule well and there are 200 people from all over the world each session.  Its 5 months long and you attend classes for 5 hours a day 5 days a week.  The advantage of having so many people is also that there are a wide variety of levels so you can be in a class that is more specific to your level as opposed to attending an ulpan with just 2 or 3 different classes.

I am hoping that I don't lose my Hebrew that I have learned between now and then.  I am thinking that I will see if it is possible for me to teach Hebrew school to young kids at my synagogue this year and maybe that will keep me going.  If not, I will find a way to get involved in the Israeli community that exists at home.  I am nervous that I will get settled in at home and that I won't end up making aliyah but I also know that what will be will be and if something is meant to happen, I will make it happen.  I no longer question my strength or resolve.  To quote Randy Pausch from The Last Lecture (a fantastic book if you haven't read it) "Brick walls are meant to be climbed"  They are not there to stop you... they are there to test your resolve.  If Aliyah is what is right for me, I will make it happen.  I recognize that the road is uncertain and if I take that path, it will certainly not be the easiest life choice, but its something that I want so badly.

Looking back:(I feel like some of this is repetitive, but I don't remember what and I am not going back through my whole blog)

Its hard to think of who I was just a year ago.  I was scared of everything.  I have such a different mentality about life now.  People always say, "If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" and maybe before it was something that I would say too... but not really understanding or feeling it.  I have taken that mentality and applied it to my life.  I am still not in any way shape or form reckless about decisions, but I have come to recognize that most of the time what we have to gain is way more than we have to lose.  What harm is going to come from trying some new food?  Meeting some new person?  Going someplace new?  Even going to the dentist, which I was terrified of before!  Side note: I told my Mom that I called and made a dentist appointment for the week that I am home - she asked me who I was and what I did with her daughter "You really have matured, huh?" Was also in there somewhere :)  Okay, so its a few hours that are unpleasant in the worst case scenario.  But honestly, put into perspective its nothing to cause you to avoid an experience.

I am very thankful that I learned to think that way.  I worked with someone for a few months who helped me and taught to put things into perspective and I think she would be proud to see where I am today.  I remember when I told her I was scared to go to the dentist. The conversation went something like this:

This is what I thought of before

HJ: "Why are you so scared?"
me: "I don't know, its scary!"
She called me out and siad something to the effect of: "that's a bullshit answer.  Why are you scared.  Explain it to me."
me: "I'm just scared."
HJ: "Bullshit.  Tell me what exactly you are scared of.  Are you scared of dying?  Do you think that the dentist is going to kill you?"
me: "well... no..."
HJ: "Then explain it to me.  Tell me exactly what you are scared of."
I thought about it.  "It's going to hurt."
HJ: "Okay... so it will hurt.  How long will it last, an hour?  at most?"
me: "yea, but still..."
HJ: "Would you rather be 70 without teeth?  Hell, would you rather be 40 without teeth?  Because if you don't go get your teeth taken care of you will be 40 and without teeth.  How will you feel then?"

I had no argument.  She was right.  So, I went to the dentist.  It sucked for a little less than an hour.  Then my teeth were all sparkly and clean.  :)

Someone else's sparkly clean teeth - but I hope mine look like this when I am done at the dentist too!!!

Fear is something that I have fought with a lot in my life... and I don't really worry about it anymore.  9 months ago I left everything I know behind.  6,000 miles away from me.  I left to spend 10 months in a country where I don't speak the language, I don't know anyone, I don't have any family... it was a brave move (in my eyes at least) :)  I have done so many things here that have enriched my life in ways I can't even explain.  Things that I never would have done before.  Have I liked everything that I tried?  Hell no.  Would I ever do some of them again?  Probs not.  But do I regret anything that I have done over the past 9 months?  No.  The only regrets that I have experienced are the regrets over the things that I didn't do.

I was in a relationship (if you can call it that) for the first few months that I was here.  It didn't end up working for all that long.  But, I can tell you I don't regret a minute of it.  I learned a lot about myself and about him and about what I want, need and deserve from a relationship.  I deserve a man who treats me well, who thinks the world of me and who sees ME when he looks at me.  And I need someone who likes what he sees when he sees me.  I deserve someone who is honest with me, I deserve someone who respects me and most of all, someone who loves me.  I think there is a look on someones face when they really love someone.  I want someone who looks at me that way.  I learned a lot about reality as well.  As much as we cared about each other, the reality is that it wasn't going to work.  Our cultures were too different, our lives too different.  I like the (albeit somewhat cheesy) analogy of the bird and the dolphin - No matter how much they care for each other they can't find enough common ground without one of them giving up who they are.  No one should ever have to give up who they are.  I hope that he will find someone who is what he needs and I hope that we will continue to be friends, because even though we aren't together, he is still important to me.

It's funny to think that I used to worry a lot about what people thought of me.  I wouldn't dance on the bus listening to my music thinking, who can see me?  What will they think?  Honestly, in retrospect, I was an idiot.  Who cares?!?!?  I like dancing.  I like dancing while I listen to my favorite country song, or my favorite Queen song or Infected Mushroom... It doesn't matter.  If I am in a good mood, I wanna move a bit!

I bought myself a ring and a necklace recently from Hadaya.  I love the sayings that I got engraved on them.  They both sum up the way that I feel about life and what OTZMA has taught me over the past 9 months.  The ring says "החיים הם לא לדעת החיים הם להשתנות לקחת את הרגע ולהנות" which means, essentially "Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it."  It's true (and I know my Mom will be happy that I got these engraved on jewelry and not tattooed on my body like my other philosophical thoughts).  You can't always know what is going to happen in life.  You have to learn to be adaptable and to enjoy each moment.  I think living these past 9 months in Israel has done that to me.  Things often don't work out as planned here.  Whether its a volunteer job, plans with a friend, or just schedules in general.  But you know what, you adapt.  You make the best of it.  Its not always what you wanted it to be but you have two choices when faced with a situation like that.  You can be upset about it... or you can recognize that shit happens and take the good out of the moment.  Life is made up of the choices we make.  You have to choose to appreciate what you have, for the good and for the bad, and recognize that everything is what you make of it.  Life is what you make of it and I am going to make my life worth every second.